An ability
to ‘read’ and interpret the facial expressions of your partner will improve
your chances of successful flirting, as will awareness of what you are
signalling with your own expressions.
Some
expressions can be effective even from a distance, as in the ‘across a crowded
room’ encounter with a stranger. The ‘eyebrow-flash’, for example, which
involves raising the eyebrows very briefly – for about one-sixth of a second –
is used almost universally as a longdistance greeting signal. When you see
someone you know, but are not near enough to speak, the eyebrow-flash shows
that you have noticed and recognised them.
We all use
this non-verbal “Hello!” in situations where we cannot use the verbal
equivalent, either because of distance or social convention. Watch a video of
Andrew and Fergie’s wedding, for example, and you will see that Fergie performs
frequent eyebrow-flashes as she walks down the aisle. Social etiquette does not
allow a bride to call out cheery greetings to her friends and relations during
the ceremony, but the highly sociable Fergie is clearly unable to refrain from
signalling the same greetings with her eyebrows.
If you are
desperate to attract the attention of an attractive stranger across a crowded
party, you could try an eyebrow-flash. This should make your target think that
you must be a friend or acquaintance, even though he or she does not recognise
you. When you approach, your target may thus already be wondering who you are.
You can, if you are skilful, use this confusion to initiate a lively discussion
about where you might have met before. Such conversations inevitably centre on
possible shared interests or friends or habits, and invariably involve mutual
disclosure of at least some personal information. As you will learn from the
‘Verbal flirting’ sections of this Guide, these are essential ingredients of
successful flirting. So, assuming your target finds you attractive, an
eyebrow-flash with appropriate follow-up could leapfrog you into instant
intimacy.
Two warnings
are necessary here: 1) If your target does not find you attractive, the
eyebrow-flash strategy may backfire, as the confusion over whether or not you
already know each other will be experienced as unpleasant and annoying, rather
than amusing. 2) Do not use the eyebrow-flash in Japan, where it has definite
sexual connotations and is therefore never used as a greeting signal.
If your
target is attracted to you, this may be more evident in facial expressions than
in words. Studies have found that women are generally better than men at
reading these expressions, but that both sexes have equal difficulty in seeing
through people’s expressions when they are controlling their faces to hide
their real feelings.
The problem
is that although faces do express genuine feelings, any facial expression that
occurs naturally can also be produced artificially for a social purpose. Smiles
and frowns, to take the most obvious examples, can be spontaneous expressions
of happiness or anger, but they can also be manufactured as deliberate signals,
such as frowning to indicate doubt or displeasure, smiling to signal approval
or agreement, etc. Feelings can also be hidden under a ‘social’ smile, a ‘stiff
upper lip’ or a blank, ‘inscrutable’ expression.
Despite this
potential for ‘deceit’, we rely more on facial expressions than on any other
aspect of body language. In conversation, we watch our companions’ faces rather
than their hands or feet, and rely on their facial signals to tell us what
effect we are having, and how to interpret what they say. Although people are
better at controlling their facial expressions than other aspects of body
language, there is still some ‘leakage’, and the following clues will help you
to detect insincerity.
Let’s say
your target smiles at you. How do you know whether this smile is spontaneous or
manufactured? There are four ways of telling the difference. First, spontaneous
smiles produce characteristic wrinkles around the eyes, which will not appear
if your target is ‘forcing’ a smile out of politeness. Second, ‘forced’ or
‘social’ smiles tend to be asymmetrical (stronger on the left side of the face
in right-handed people and on the right side of the face in left-handed
people).The third clue to insincerity is in the timing of the smile:
unspontaneous smiles tend to occur at socially inappropriate moments in the
conversation (e.g. a few seconds after you have made a funny remark, rather
than immediately). Finally, there is a clue in the duration of the smile, as a
manufactured smile tends to be held for longer (what is often called a ‘fixed’
smile) and then to fade in an irregular way.
When
observing your target’s facial expressions, it is important to remember that
although an expressive face – showing amusement, surprise, agreement etc. at
the appropriate moments – may indicate that your target returns your interest,
people do naturally differ in their degree and style of emotional expression.
Women naturally tend to smile more than men, for example, and to show emotions
more clearly in their facial expressions.
You are also
likely to interpret expressions differently depending on who is making them.
Experiments have shown that people may read the same expression as ‘fear’ when
they see it on a female face, but as ‘anger’ when it appears on male face.
There are also cultural and even regional differences in the amount of emotion
people express with their faces. Oriental people are more likely than
Westerners to hide their emotions under a ‘blank’ expression or a smile, for
example, and American researchers have found that in the US, Notherners smile
less than people from the South. If an attractive stranger smiles at you, it
could be that he or she finds you attractive, but he or she could also be an
outgoing, sociable person from a culture or region in which smiling is
commonplace and not particularly meaningful.
These
factors must also be taken into account when considering the effect of your own
facial expressions. People tend to be put off by levels of expressiveness that
are considerably higher or lower than what they are used to, so it could help
to try to ‘match’ the amount of emotion you express with your face to that of
your target.
As a general
rule, however, your face should be constantly informative during a flirtatious
conversation. Unexpressiveness – a blank, unchanging face – will be interpreted
as lack of interest when you are listening and an absence of facial emphasis
when you are speaking will be disturbing and off-putting. You need to show
interest and comprehension when listening, and to promote interest and
comprehension when speaking, through facial signals such as eyebrows raised to
display surprise, as a question mark or for emphasis; the corners of the mouth
turning up in amusement; nodding to indicate agreement; frowning in puzzlement;
smiling to show approval, or to indicate that what you are saying should not be
taken too seriously, and so on.
Fortunately,
most of these facial signals are habitual, and do not have to be consciously
manufactured, but some awareness of your facial expressions can help you to
monitor their effect and make minor adjustments to put your target more at
ease, for example, or hold his or her attention, or increase the level of
intimacy.
Finally,
remember that your target is unlikely to be scrutinising you for tiny signs of
insincerity, so a ‘social’ smile will be infinitely more attractive than no
smile at all.
Touch
Touching is
a powerful, subtle and complex form of communication. In social situations, the
language of touch can be used to convey a surprising variety of messages.
Different touches can be used to express agreement, affection, affiliation or
attraction; to offer support; to emphasise a point; to call for attention or
participation; to guide and direct; to greet; to congratulate; to establish or
reinforce power-relations and to negotiate levels of intimacy.
Even the
most fleeting touch can have a dramatic influence on our perceptions and
relationships. Experiments have shown that even a light, brief touch on the arm
during a brief social encounter between strangers has both immediate and
lasting positive effects. Polite requests for help or directions, for example,
produced much more positive results when accompanied by a light touch on the
arm.
When
flirting, it is therefore important to remember that the language of touch, if
used correctly, can help to advance the relationship, but that inappropriate
use of this powerful tool could ruin your chances forever.
Although
there are considerable differences between cultures in the levels of touching
that are socially acceptable, and different personalities welcome different
levels of touching, we can provide a few basic rules-of-thumb for first
encounters with strangers of the opposite sex.
The first
rule, for both sexes, is: touch, but be careful. Women are much less
comfortable about being touched by an opposite-sex stranger than men, so men
should take care to avoid any touches which may seem threatening or
over-familiar. Men are inclined to interpret women’s friendly gestures as
sexual invitations, so women should be equally careful to avoid giving
misleading signals with over-familiar touches.
This does
not mean ‘don’t touch’, as appropriate touching will have positive benefits,
but touching should initially be restricted to universally acceptable areas and
levels. As a general rule, the arm is the safest place to touch an opposite-sex
stranger. (Back pats are equally non-sexual, but are often perceived as
patronising or overbearing.) A brief, light touch on the arm, to draw attention,
express support or emphasise a point, is likely to be acceptable and to enhance
your companion’s positive feelings towards you.
If even this
most innocuous of touches produces a negative reaction – such as pulling the
arm away, increasing distance, frowning, turning away or other expressions of
displeasure or anxiety – you might as well give up now. Unless your companion
is exceptionally shy and reserved, negative reactions to a simple arm-touch
probably indicate dislike or distrust.
If your
companion finds you likeable or attractive, a brief arm-touch should prompt
some reciprocal increase in intimacy. This may not be as obvious as a return of
your arm-touch, but watch for other positive body-language signals, such as
increased eye-contact, moving closer to you, more open posture or postural
echo, more smiling, etc. Your arm-touch may even prompt an increase in verbal
intimacy, so listen for any disclosure of personal information, or more
personal questions.
If you see
or hear signs of a positive reaction to your arm-touch, you can, after a
reasonable interval, try another arm-touch, this time slightly less fleeting.
If this results in a further escalation of verbal or non-verbal intimacy from
your companion, you might consider moving to the next stage: a hand-touch.
Remember
that a hand-touch, unless it is the conventional handshake of greeting or
parting, is much more personal than an arm-touch. By touching your companion’s
hand, you are opening negotiations towards a higher degree of intimacy, so keep
it light and brief: a question, not an order.
A negative
reaction to your hand-touch, such as the non-verbal signals of displeasure or
anxiety mentioned above, does not necessarily mean that your companion dislikes
you, but it is a clear indication that your attempt to advance to the next
level of intimacy is either premature or unwelcome. A very positive reaction,
involving a significant increase in verbal or non-verbal intimacy, can be taken
as permission to try another hand-touch at an appropriate moment.
Highly
positive reactions to a second hand-touch – such as a definite and unambiguous
attempt to move closer to you, reciprocal arm- and hand-touching, along with
significantly more personal questions, more disclosure of personal information
and more expression of emotion – can be taken as permission to proceed, with
caution, to a higher level of intimacy. The next stages might involve a
hand-squeeze or hand-hold, repeated twice before moving on to an arm over the
shoulders, or perhaps a brief knee-touch. (Males should note, however, that
positive reactions to any of these touches can not be taken as permission to
grope.)
You will
have noticed that we advise performing each touch two times before progressing
to the next level. This is because repeating the same touch, perhaps with a
slightly longer duration, allows you to check that reactions are still
positive, that you were not mistaken in your judgement that the touch was
acceptable. The repetition also tells your companion that the first touch was
not accidental or unconscious, that you are consciously negotiating for an
increase in intimacy. Repeating the same touch before moving to the next level
is a non-verbal way of saying “Are you sure?”.