Touch
Touching is
a powerful, subtle and complex form of communication. In social situations, the
language of touch can be used to convey a surprising variety of messages.
Different touches can be used to express agreement, affection, affiliation or
attraction; to offer support; to emphasise a point; to call for attention or
participation; to guide and direct; to greet; to congratulate; to establish or
reinforce power-relations and to negotiate levels of intimacy.
Even the
most fleeting touch can have a dramatic influence on our perceptions and
relationships. Experiments have shown that even a light, brief touch on the arm
during a brief social encounter between strangers has both immediate and
lasting positive effects. Polite requests for help or directions, for example,
produced much more positive results when accompanied by a light touch on the
arm.
When
flirting, it is therefore important to remember that the language of touch, if
used correctly, can help to advance the relationship, but that inappropriate
use of this powerful tool could ruin your chances forever.
Although
there are considerable differences between cultures in the levels of touching
that are socially acceptable, and different personalities welcome different
levels of touching, we can provide a few basic rules-of-thumb for first
encounters with strangers of the opposite sex.
The first
rule, for both sexes, is: touch, but be careful. Women are much less
comfortable about being touched by an opposite-sex stranger than men, so men
should take care to avoid any touches which may seem threatening or
over-familiar. Men are inclined to interpret women’s friendly gestures as
sexual invitations, so women should be equally careful to avoid giving
misleading signals with over-familiar touches.
This does
not mean ‘don’t touch’, as appropriate touching will have positive benefits,
but touching should initially be restricted to universally acceptable areas and
levels. As a general rule, the arm is the safest place to touch an opposite-sex
stranger. (Back pats are equally non-sexual, but are often perceived as
patronising or overbearing.) A brief, light touch on the arm, to draw
attention, express support or emphasise a point, is likely to be acceptable and
to enhance your companion’s positive feelings towards you.
If even this
most innocuous of touches produces a negative reaction – such as pulling the
arm away, increasing distance, frowning, turning away or other expressions of
displeasure or anxiety – you might as well give up now. Unless your companion
is exceptionally shy and reserved, negative reactions to a simple arm-touch
probably indicate dislike or distrust.
If your
companion finds you likeable or attractive, a brief arm-touch should prompt
some reciprocal increase in intimacy. This may not be as obvious as a return of
your arm-touch, but watch for other positive body-language signals, such as
increased eye-contact, moving closer to you, more open posture or postural
echo, more smiling, etc. Your arm-touch may even prompt an increase in verbal
intimacy, so listen for any disclosure of personal information, or more
personal questions.
If you see
or hear signs of a positive reaction to your arm-touch, you can, after a
reasonable interval, try another arm-touch, this time slightly less fleeting.
If this results in a further escalation of verbal or non-verbal intimacy from
your companion, you might consider moving to the next stage: a hand-touch.
Remember
that a hand-touch, unless it is the conventional handshake of greeting or
parting, is much more personal than an arm-touch. By touching your companion’s
hand, you are opening negotiations towards a higher degree of intimacy, so keep
it light and brief: a question, not an order.
A negative
reaction to your hand-touch, such as the non-verbal signals of displeasure or
anxiety mentioned above, does not necessarily mean that your companion dislikes
you, but it is a clear indication that your attempt to advance to the next
level of intimacy is either premature or unwelcome. A very positive reaction,
involving a significant increase in verbal or non-verbal intimacy, can be taken
as permission to try another hand-touch at an appropriate moment.
Highly
positive reactions to a second hand-touch – such as a definite and unambiguous
attempt to move closer to you, reciprocal arm- and hand-touching, along with
significantly more personal questions, more disclosure of personal information
and more expression of emotion – can be taken as permission to proceed, with
caution, to a higher level of intimacy. The next stages might involve a
hand-squeeze or hand-hold, repeated twice before moving on to an arm over the
shoulders, or perhaps a brief knee-touch. (Males should note, however, that
positive reactions to any of these touches can not be taken as permission to
grope.)
You will
have noticed that we advise performing each touch two times before progressing
to the next level. This is because repeating the same touch, perhaps with a
slightly longer duration, allows you to check that reactions are still positive,
that you were not mistaken in your judgement that the touch was acceptable. The
repetition also tells your companion that the first touch was not accidental or
unconscious, that you are consciously negotiating for an increase in intimacy.
Repeating the same touch before moving to the next level is a non-verbal way of
saying “Are you sure?”.