You may be
surprised to see this heading in the ‘Non-verbal flirting’ section, but
‘verbal’ means ‘words’ and vocal signals such as tone of voice, pitch, volume,
speed of speech, etc. are like body-language in that they are not about what
you say, the words you use, but about how you say it.
We noted at
the beginning of this ‘non-verbal’ section that people’s first impressions of
you are based 55% on your appearance and body language, 38% on your style of
speaking and only 7% on what you actually say. In other words, body-language
may be your most important ‘flirting tool’, but vocal signals come a very close
second. The more you think about that 38%, the more concerned you will be to
ensure that your vocal signals make the best possible impression. An ability to
‘read’ the vocal signals of the person you are flirting with will also help you
to find out how he or she really feels about you.
Attraction
and interest, for example, are communicated much more by the tone of voice than
by what is actually said. Depending on the tone, volume, speed and pitch, even
a simple phrase such as “Good evening” can convey anything from “Wow, you’re
gorgeous” to “I find you totally uninteresting and I’m looking for an excuse to
get away from you as quickly as possible”.
If your
target gives you a deep-toned, low pitched, slow, drawn-out “Good evening”,
with a slight rising intonation at the end, as though asking a question, this
is probably an indication of attraction or at least interest. If you get a
short, high-pitched, clipped “Good evening”, or a monotone, expressionless
version, your target is probably not interested in you.
Once you are
in conversation, remember that the intonation of even a single word can
communicate an immense variety of emotions and meanings. As an experiment, try
practising variations in your intonation of the one-word response “Yeah”, and
you will find that you can communicate anything from enthusiastic agreement to
grudging acceptance to varying degrees of scepticism to total disbelief.
If you speak
in a monotone, with little variation in pitch, pace or tone of voice, you will
be perceived as boring and dull, even if what you are saying is truly
fascinating or exceptionally amusing. Loud volume, a booming tone and too much
variation in pitch will make you seem overbearing. Speak too quietly or too
slowly and you will seem submissive or even depressed. Aim for moderation in
volume and tone, with enough variation in pitch and pace to hold your
companion’s interest.
Also remember that a rising or falling intonation,
especially when accompanied by a drop in volume, is a ‘turn-yielding cue’,
whereby speakers signal that they have finished what they are saying and are
ready to listen to the other person. When you hear these vocal signals, your
companion is probably indicating that it is your turn to speak. When your
companion hears these signals, he or she may well assume that you are
‘yielding’ the floor. If you frequently end sen- tences on a rising or falling
intonation, with a drop in volume, and then carry on without allowing your
companion to speak, he or she will become frustrated. Taking your turn when
your companion has not given any vocal ‘turn-yielding cues’, even if he or she
has finished a sentence, will be perceived as interruption, and is equally
irritating.